If you could invest your money in any vegetable right now, you’d be wise to choose kale. Although it sells for a modest buck or two per bunch, kale is blowing up right now. All of the hottest restaurants and finest chefs are all over it. Nutritionally, kale is as good as it gets. Vitamins on deck, antioxidants for days. One pound of kale contains approximately 10 kg of vitamin C. As it turns out, Vitamin K was named after kale*. Kale contains so much vitamin K that merely looking a bunch of kale for thirty seconds can cure hemophilia. Clinical trials conducted at UPMC have found that kale consumption statistically significantly reduces the risk of the following medical problems:
-Dizziness
-Indian tick fever
-Body odor
-Anxiety when performing physical exams on standardized patients for the first time
-Inability to focus during lectures on the pharmacology of the adrenergic receptor
-Strained ligamentum arteriosum, or lateral epicondylitis from pretending to be Harry Potter and making excessive attempts to cast “ligamentum arteriosum” as a spell on classmates
-Pain from having a clumsy MS1 bump the side of your auditory canal during otoscopic examinations
-Getting hit by the 10A bus

At this point, you might be wondering why your fridge isn’t filled to the brim with kale. If you aren’t wondering why, raise your hand. Now use your hand to slap yourself across the face.

Stop what you’re doing right now, hop in your whip, and head over to Jynt Iggle or Trader Joe’s (6343 Penn Ave) to buy a whole lotta kale. Make sure you have the other ingredients on the list too. Then do this:

Ingredients:
-Kale, stems removed, torn into 3×3-inch pieces (some places sell it pre-torn; Trader Joe’s does. You should look into it.)
-Salt
-Pepper
-Olive oil
-Butter/coconut oil
-Your finest balsamic vinegar
-One shallot or a golf-ball-size portion of an onion, chopped
-1 clove garlic, minced
-Walnuts, chopped.

Do work:
1. Boil a big pot of water. Add a pinch of salt to the water.
2. Boil the kale for 10 minutes. Dump into a colander in the sink.
3. Heat up some cooking fat in a large skilled. I recommend coconut oil or butter. Olive oil is acceptable, but not recommended for cooking in my opinion.
4. Dump in the chopped onions/scallions and sauté for 2 minutes on high heat.
5. Put the kale in the skillet. Sauté 3-4 minutes.
6. Add the walnuts and the garlic. Sauté 3 or 4 more minutes.
7. We’re done people. Put it on a plate. Finish the job by sprinkling with salt and pepper (to taste), then drizzle with olive oil and with your finest balsamic vinegar. It’s great as a side dish with some grilled salmon and quinoa pilaf/forbidden rice if you’re feeling really ambitious or have a date you’re trying to impress or something. Don’t forget the wine.

Until next time,
Joshua “J-Wes” Wesalo

*Note—Not actually true.

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